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Daddy, what an alcoholic.

You see my 3 year old daughter, there are 2 trees on your left.

If you see 4 trees, you are alcoholic.

But daddy, there are 4 trees.

No way, my daughter,

you are drunk.


"Son, these days kids your age are so weak. Everyday you ride the bus to school. When I was your age, I fought a sabertooth tiger on the way to school. I even have the scars to prove it."

"Dad, stop with the lies. You literally got those scars a week ago, from tripping over the stairs in our house. You even cried like a baby after you tripped and hurt your leg."

"That's not true. There was also this time that I had to swim all around the world. From US to Japan to get to a school field trip. I swam faster than The Great White Sharks."

"Stop exaggerating. I believed you when I was younger, but now your lies don't work on me anymore."

"But I’m telling the truth. Ask 'The Rock'. He knows that all my stories are true."

"What’s his phone number then?"

"Uhhhhh…..., I forgot."

"Nice try, Dad. There's no fooling me. Looks like I’m never trusting you ever again."


If you don't like being flung out of an exploding hive at a hundred miles per hour and having a 50% chance of splatting against a tree, hive travel is not for you.

Ok let's do this again.

If you don’t like getting flung out of a hive at a hundred miles per hour and getting struck by lightning and going to hell in a Hive, struck by lightning, go to hell, get kicked out of hell, and smush. Unsuspecting toad travel is not for you.

You might be asking “Toad why did you go to hell? Like, aren't you a good toad?”

"Well it's because some fly angel came back from heaven and… I ate him. Also, how did I get kicked out of hell? Well… I ate him a second time."

"And how did this fly get from heaven to hell?"

"Because he cussed out of my stomach five too many times."

Once my toadfriend (girl toad) was talking to me.

Then the fly told her that she was.

Let's just not get into it. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I hate my life.

SQUANCH JUNQLY lives in New Detroit with his Old Habits. He is an EMT.

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